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Blog of a Newbie


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Some time ago I started this blog on my CP adventure - it's meant to be humourous with a generous sprinkling of truth in it. I hope it makes you laugh, nod and empathise all at the same time. If you like it then say so and i will post more but if its just inane ramblings then say that as well. My friends tell me that it makes them laugh and they think Stinging nettles are carniverous.

New to CP Blog

Day 1

Wife dragged me to the bloody Garden Centre today. Well when i say dragged, as a wheelchair user, pushed would be more accurate. Something to do with wanting some special fertilizer - i must be honest i thought fertilizer was how I have three children. The only other kind I know is the kind that people with nefarious intentions use to remove buildings from their foundations by means of an explosion. Who hasn't sat in A level chemistry trying to work out the magic formula to remove the teacher from this earth by means of an incendary device. Along with gadgets and barbecues, explosions are a mans perrogative. Anyway I digress. At the garden centre we are walking around trying to find this fertilizer that contains entirely natural poo from the Himalayan Yak or some other ludicrous creature which when put on your tomatoes has the same effect as coca cola does on my son. So we get to the last part of the shop and as we are actually looking for fertilizer then its pefectly obvious to anyone with the meanest intellect to note that the trolley actually has three vases, a pink watering can, some Latin named plant that translated means "liked by slugs" and no bloody fertilizer.

And then there is my Epiphany - it is not a VFT - but the most sickly looking, poor excuse of a specimen of Saracena. So poor in fact that it has no label and if plants had life support machines then Father O Mally would have administered its last rights and there would be wailing of distressed relaties saying how he was a lovely person and how cruel life is. However stuck to the side of its cheap plastic pot is a magical word "carniverous". Images of Tyranosaurus Rex fill my mind and then (remembering its a plant) i revert back to the 1980's when the original version of Day of the Triffids was shown. I think of people losing fingers as they water this 2 inch beastie - signs on lamp posts asking the whereabouts of lost puppies or in America pictures on Milk cartons from families asking where little Tommy is and his last known whereabouts were some back street plant store in downtown Miami. The words "do you think this vase is expensive?" soon snap me back to reality as I look at something that the sculptor must have made for a bet. What darling? £75 for that unique artwork? Too much? Why dont women get sarcasm? So it lands in my trolley.

Now I make the life changing decision. The plant is priced at £2 - i now realise that is like charging £1 for the first wrap of Heroin. Once you are addicted to the stuff they can charge £100's for the same size wrap. I now trawl the websites looking for an elusive seeed or plant. Once i have found one I catch myself saying " if its below £50 then its a good price" - Anway I put it in the trolley and then my wife actually says " do we really need that?" Do you know how many replies came into my head as I look at the John Merrick of vases ( the elephant mans real name to those under 30) - " Of course we need it - in the same way you needed the 53rd hanbad" is what i said - well to be strictly accurate its what I thought - what i actually said was " If its to much I will put it back" - i feel lie a child at the pick and mix sweetie counter. " NO No - if you want it" says the wife - but in that tone that says you dont want it and how dare you have an opinion different from mine. But i stand my ground - well again to be strictly accurate i wait until she looks the other way and hide it inside the pink watering can. Medal for valour for me!

And so the addiction starts.................................................................

Edited by Jerry
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Hi Jerry

I too am relatively new to CP's and can totally empathise with you. I find myself checking Ebay every ten minutes just in case someone has listed that rare sarracenia that I just must have and trying to convince the wife that the plant that I have just bought is different from the others that I already have even if it looks the same.

I for one found your blog to be humorous and something I can relate to so am more than happy to read some more.

Keep up the good work. :shock:


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i must add for all you newbies checking ebay every 20 mins, get yourself to some open days you'll get a range of plants you rarely see for sale (even on the web) at bargain prices (most people are just covering the cost of pot n compost) and your also talking to the people who've grown it so youtr getting its whole back story and then some

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Jerry, you're not alone....There are hundreds and hundreds of cases...and I'm one of them CP addicts.....


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