dvg Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 (edited) An army Major visiting the sick army men, went to one soldier and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, Sir." "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man," said the Major. He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir." "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man," barked the Major. He moved to the next bed where Santa was lying and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!" dvg Edited September 15, 2010 by dvg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rob158 Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 i got these off facebook, there was some realy rude ones but thay were just too rude A little girl accidentally saw her dad in the shower. She's curious and asks what his testicles are. "Those are the apples of the tree of life!" he tells her. Impressed she repeats this to her mother, who adds: "did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging on?", --------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have a six pack "where?" "next to the vodka in the fridge" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell you’re in a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table has no b@lls. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dchasselblad74 Posted September 15, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 i got these off facebook,there was some realy rude ones but thay were just too rude A little girl accidentally saw her dad in the shower. She's curious and asks what his testicles are. "Those are the apples of the tree of life!" he tells her. Impressed she repeats this to her mother, who adds: "did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging on?", --------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have a six pack "where?" "next to the vodka in the fridge" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell you’re in a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table has no b@lls. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dvg Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 It has been said that Mahatma Gandhi developed a very impressive set of calluses on his feet from walking barefoot a great deal of the time. He also ate very little which left him frail and plagued with bad breath. So in essence, I guess he was a Super callused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis. dvg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dchasselblad74 Posted September 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 16, 2010 So in essence, I guess he was a Super callused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.dvg Mary Poppins.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dchasselblad74 Posted September 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 16, 2010 "So, how did you like it? It's called 'Blow Job's Revenge.'"dvg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dchasselblad74 Posted September 17, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 17, 2010 (edited) This is one of my good friend's joke, an older guy I used to work with... Murry Laycox from tennesse.....God rest his soul......... The story of the three legged pig......... One day, a guy from the city paid his good friend a visit. His friend is a farmer. So down to the farm he goes. He pulled up the driveway next to the barn and as he got out of his car, he noticed a pig with only three legs. He greeted his friend and his friends wife with the warmest hug, since he hasnt seen them for a few years. They then all went inside cause supper was served, and they had such a lovely meal. While having coffee out in the back porch, the city guy noticed the three legged pig again, happy as can be playing with the other pigs. He then asked his friend as to why he keeps an animal suffering like that, struggling to run with the other pigs, why dont you put it out of its misery ? The farmer said you cant just kill the pig like that, then he proceded to tell him why. He said one night the barn, which was attached to the house, was on fire. Everyone was asleep, so this pig busted the door wide open, woke up the kids and guided them through the fire and smoke towards the outside, then he went upstairs and woke the farmer and his wife, then guided them outside. "The pig basically saved the family from that blazin fire" the farmer explained. The city guy then asked, "But....that doesnt explain why hes got three legs". Then the farmer said, "You dont eat a good pig all at once"............. DexFC Edited September 17, 2010 by dchasselblad74 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dchasselblad74 Posted September 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 20, 2010 Do you know what a UPC barcode is? A Somalian family portrait............ .... DexFC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rsivertsen Posted September 21, 2010 Report Share Posted September 21, 2010 Here in the States, we have a class of people known as "Rednecks" and Hillbillies. They're rather special in their own ways: Jeff Foxworthy has made a comfortable living defining these sorts of folks: You go to a family reunion 'cause it just might be a good place to meet chicks. You have four cars in the yard, but still need to bum a ride to get to work. You have your house, your car and your boat all up on blocks. You use the following words in different context: Sensuous: "Hey BettyJoe, sensuous up, bring me another beer." Innuendo: "Hey BobbyJoe, I just saw a bird fly innuendo. Septum: “Aint nuthin’ wrong with havin’ relations with your cuzzins, well ‘septum’ youngins.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dchasselblad74 Posted September 21, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 21, 2010 What do you call 32 Hillbillies in one room? A full set of teeth................. DexFC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vic2 Posted September 22, 2010 Report Share Posted September 22, 2010 What do you call 32 Hillbillies in one room?A full set of teeth................. DexFC Which reminds me: Q. Why does the FBI hate Hillbilly murders? A. Because dental records are pointless, and all the DNA is the same. Vic Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vic2 Posted September 22, 2010 Report Share Posted September 22, 2010 Q. Why did Karl Marx only drink herbal tea? A. Because Proper-tea is Theft. N.B. You Yankees will have to read a Goddam' Commie Forbidden Text to get this one. Heh, Comrade Viktor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dchasselblad74 Posted September 22, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 22, 2010 Q. Why did Karl Marx only drink herbal tea?A. Because Proper-tea is Theft. N.B. You Yankees will have to read a Goddam' Commie Forbidden Text to get this one. Heh, Comrade Viktor Yep I dont get it......he he(Im a Yank) DexFC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
James O'Neill Posted September 22, 2010 Report Share Posted September 22, 2010 Some might have heard this before: A panda walks into a restaurant, and sits down at a table. When the waiter comes for his order, he asks for a sandwich. He eats it quickly, jumps up, draws a gun, shoots twice in to the air, and made for the door. The manager calls after him 'Why?' and before departing the panda throws him an old guide to wildlife of China, open at a page on pandas. 'Read that,' the panda says. The manager did so and it said 'Pandas eat, shoots and leaves' A comma makes all the difference... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dchasselblad74 Posted September 22, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 22, 2010 Some might have heard this before: 'Pandas eat, shoots and leaves' A comma makes all the difference... Ha ha ha ha............Clever! I like that LOL... Nice Villosa Sketch by the way James...... DexFC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dchasselblad74 Posted September 22, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 22, 2010 Use the words Defense, Defeat, and Detail in one sentence............ De dog jumped over Defense, Defeat first, and then Detail.......... DexFC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dchasselblad74 Posted September 23, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 What do you call nuts on the wall?......Walnuts......What do you call nuts that pee?....Peanuts.....What do you call nuts on the chest?......You guessed it, Chestnuts....What do you call nuts on your chin?......B___ J_b.... DexFC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amar Posted September 23, 2010 Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dchasselblad74 Posted September 23, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 This one is my little niece' joke.... Why did the spider cross the road....? to get to the website..... DexFC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vic2 Posted September 23, 2010 Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 Yep I dont get it......he he(Im a Yank)DexFC At last - a real 100% American!! Vic P.S. Is it true that 'Harry Potter' is banned in Bible Belt America, because it's about occult magic? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dchasselblad74 Posted September 23, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 Four guys and a hot woman survived a plane crash in the Pacific.....They swim to a desserted island and they all manage to survive for a few weeks. ..Given they're all healthy and virile, they are now looking for something else besides food and shelter...so they all talk it over and they all agree that the hot woman would be with one guy for a week and would rotate to the next one and so on and so forth....The set up was perfect for everyone and this rotation goes on for years.....until the 11th year, the hot woman dies....The guys gathered and talked about this dillema at hand, one guy said, "Now shes gone, what are we to do"?....So the first week was hard....the second week was even harder....the third week, they all almost gave up....then the fourth week, one guy said, "I do'nt know bout you guys, but I think we should bury her now"..... .. DexFC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vic2 Posted September 23, 2010 Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 Use the words Defense, Defeat, and Detail in one sentence............De dog jumped over Defense, Defeat first, and then Detail.......... DexFC I've heard that the best way to say 'bacon' in a Jamaican accent is to say 'beercan'... Vic Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dchasselblad74 Posted September 23, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 I've heard that the best way to say 'bacon' in a Jamaican accent is to say 'beercan'... Vic Yah Mahn!....Yu got it!.........lol DexFC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amar Posted September 24, 2010 Report Share Posted September 24, 2010 A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name? "Morris Feinberg," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims." "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop." "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a fecking wall." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vic2 Posted September 24, 2010 Report Share Posted September 24, 2010 "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?""Like I'm talking to a fecking wall." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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