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dchasselblad74

Let's hear a good joke...

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After making love to my wife, I wipe my member on the curtains, and she HITS THE ROOF!!"

No worries Mods, I'll get my coat... :biggrin:

Ha ha ha ha ha....Give it up to tidy housewives!

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A guy goes to a bartender and challenges him on a bet for $100 dollars that he could piss in a small cup ten feet away from where this guy was standing, and the bartender happily accepts. So the guy chugs a pitcher of beer then unzips then from ten feet away, starts pissing as hard as he can, allover the barstools, tables, the windows, curtains, garbage cans, atm machines, liquor shelves...Every freakin thing except the small cup, the the bartender starts laughing like crazy and says " You lost! And you owe me $100! Ha Ha". The guy pays the bartender the money, but leaves the bar laughing even harder. The bartender asks the crowd "Why the f#@$! is he so happy?" Then the crowd told him, each and everyone of us lost $100 to him in a bet that hell piss allover your tavern without you gettin pissed......

DexFC

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No worries Mods, I'll get my coat... :thumbsup:

i'd better get mine :biggrin:

-------------------------------------

A man at the doctors:

Doctor, I have diarrhea and it won’t go away!

Did you try using a lemon?

Yes I did, but when I removed it, it started again!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two prostitutes, after Christmas holidays:

What did you ask Santa Claus to give you?

Hundred dollars, as usual.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

One man calls emergency:

Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!

After five minutes, the same man calls back:

It is OK, I found another one.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

it was nice knowing you all :coffee:

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Ha ha ha.......These neat freaks I tell yah.......

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This is one of the funniest email jokes that I have.

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the

first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you

who have lived in Texas, you know how True this is! They actually have a

chili cook-off about the time the rodeo or football game comes to town.

It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome!

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who had moved to Texas

from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a

chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the

beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges

(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides,

they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing Tabasco kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild, obvious Tabasco enhanced.

FRANK: HOLY S**T!!!, what the hell is this stuff?

It could remove old paint from your driveway,

and cause regular paint to blister within a three mile radius.

Took me four beers to put the flames out.

I hope that's the worst one.

These Texans are crazy.

_________________________________________________________

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: WOAH! Keep this s**t out of the reach of children!

I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain.

I had to wave off two people who tried to administer the

Heimlich maneuver on me.

They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

There is an emergency keg right by my feet, just in case!

__________________________________________________________

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A near-beanless chili, a bit salty, fine blend of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located an illegal industrial toxic waste spill.

My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano and flushing it with battery acid.

I've been entered in a break-dance competition, when the last year's

winner resigned after watching me recover from this chili taste.

Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite, or explode.

Barmaid Sally pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

I'm getting s**t-faced from all the beer.

My stomach is churning so loud it can be heard in the next county.

I'm farting, coughing, gagging and pissing so hard I'm afraid to sneeze.

____________________________________________________________

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something slide across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?

My tongue feels like a numb slab of shoe leather stuck in my mouth.

Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills;

the keg is empty again; that 300 lb. b***h is starting to look HOT.

Is chili an aphrodisiac?

_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,

adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded sirloin beef, could use more tomato.

Must admit, the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

I should note here that I'm a bit concerned about Judge Number 3,

as he appears to be in a bit of distress; he is screaming and shouting

obscenities rather loudly, while jumping and leaping about, in wild displays

of amazing acrobatics, from back-flips to cartwheels, to summersaults

eventually falling to the ground, rolling about in a fetal position, and frothing

at the mouth, mumbling incoherently, perhaps experiencing a severe

epileptic seizure with a simultaneous Turret's syndrome episode.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat and tears are streaming down my face.

I can no longer focus my eyes and can barely see out of one.

I farted and four people behind me required paramedical attention,

an elderly woman required cardiac fibrillation and was hauled away by EMS.

The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had caused me brain damage.

Sally saved my swollen, numb tongue from exploding by pouring

beer directly on it from a pitcher. I'm afraid it might burst or fall out

if I try one more chili.

My entire body is either numb, or throbbing in pain.

It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to

stop screaming so loud, as it's scaring the younger children.

Screw those a**hole rednecks!

________________________________________________________

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of fresh peppers, onions, herbs and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight line pipe filled with caustic,

fumes, and acid flames. I s**t myself silly, projectile fashion,

when I farted and thought it just might incinerate the chair.

No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore except that

fat-a** slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought.

Even my toes are going numb or throbbing in pain.

I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone, and could use an

ice sickle suppository before I burn more holes through my pants.

Someone in back of me yelled "Fire in the hole!", as he jumped behind a bail of hay.

_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in an old can of chili peppers at the last moment.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, blow napalm

into my mouth, shoot it out my nose, and every other hole in my body,

and I wouldn't feel a damn thing.

I've lost sight in one eye, and the whole world sounds like it's made of rushing water.

My shirt is covered with chili, and maybe some blood, which slid and drooled out of my mouth.

My pants are full of lava-like s**t to match my damn shirt.

At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.

I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.

Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.

If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole

where my gut used to be.

Only residents from Hell can ingest this brimstone nuclear battery acid.

____________________________________________________

CHILI # 8 BILLY BOB'S SMOKIN' ASS CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending! This is elegant blend of chili,

herbs and spices, is safe for all, not too bold,

yet spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is outstanding!

A well-balanced chili with an eclectic array of fresh herbs and spices,

eloquently expressing its bouquet and character upon the pallet.

Neither too mild nor too hot; well done.

Sad to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 lost consciousness,

collapsed, and pulled the entire pot of chili down upon himself,

kettle and all. Not sure if he's going to make it.

Paramedics, already familiar with him are on the job, putting him into the EMS unit.

Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

Edited by rsivertsen

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Ha ha....Good one, but dude.....thats a whole lot of typing.....thanks for sharing though...

DexFC

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Just a few clicks of the mouse, copy/paste, almost no typing at all! ;)

Ah.....I see(says the blind man).......Must be nice..I miss my PC....I have one of those "Smart Phones" with internet....Its a b__ch typing...and then theres the xt9 button below letter a that I always hit and underlines everything...sheez! I need to get a PC....LOL

DEXfC

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We have this house cleaner from central Europe who comes in and cleans our house..she took 6 hours to clean the lounge carpet. Turns out she was a Slovak.

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I have so many email jokes that I have to sort them by genre, and even then, I have a hard time deciding which ones are appropriate to post here. I have a smart phone too, but copy/paste from a laptop is just so much easier than thumb typing. ;)

Edited by rsivertsen

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Ill say...........

DexfC

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We have this house cleaner from central Europe who comes in and cleans our house..she took 6 hours to clean the lounge carpet. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Ha ha ha ha......I like that Mike....you guys should get that slovak a Dyson...Lol :sarcastic_hand:

DexFC

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File under "Ooops!"

A new, young Rabbi moved into town one day, and a middle-age Monsignor invited him, as a friendly, clerical gesture, to have dinner with him as a welcome gesture to the community. At the appointed day, he was greeted at the door by the monsignor’s chambermaid, a drop-dead beautiful young woman who showed him in, and introduced him. She cooked up a wonderful meal, and they toasted each other's good health. After several glasses of wine, the young rabbi discretely mentioned to the elder monsignor, "You have a very lovely young and beautiful chambermaid! She must keep you very happy!"

The monsignor smiled and accepted the complement graciously, but reminded the young rabbi of his vow of celibacy, and assured him that there is nothing more than a professional relationship between them, and showed him their separate bedrooms. The rabbi silently thought, "Yeah sure, … OK, right!"

The young rabbi later remarked during dinner "My, what a beautiful silver gravy ladle!" as he held it up.

The chambermaid mentioned that she and the monsignor found it in a quaint little antique shop while visiting the Holy City several years ago.

They continued to enjoy each other's company until it got late and the young rabbi left and went home.

Several days later, the chambermaid approached the monsignor and said: “I can't seem to find our silver gravy ladle, and the last time I saw it was that night that we had your young rabbi friend over for dinner."

"Well," said the monsignor, "This is a most delicate matter, and I’ll have to approach this very carefully so not to accuse our rabbi friend of stealing that silver gravy ladle.

He sent off a letter saying:

"My Dear Rabbi friend,

We enjoyed your company very much last week; however, my chambermaid informs me that she can't seem to find that silver gravy ladle that you admired so much during our dinner. Now, I'm NOT saying that you DID take it, and I'm NOT saying that you DID NOT take it, ALL I’m saying is that we have NOT seen that silver gravy ladle since you were here last week for dinner."

Yours truly.

Monsignor

A few days later, the young rabbi responded:

My Dear Monsignor,

I too enjoyed the fine dinner, hospitality and company with you and your gracious, beautiful, charming and lovely young chambermaid, with whom you say you have no sexual relationship, due to your vow of celibacy. Now, I'm NOT saying that you ARE sleeping with her, and I'm NOT saying that you ARE NOT sleeping with her, ALL I’m saying is that if you are sleeping in your OWN bed, you most certainly would have found that silver gravy ladle by now!"

Sincerely yours,

Rabbi

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Well since you all seem like a salty lot on this forum, this probably won't offend anyone.

Whale joke.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

dvg

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We have this house cleaner from central Europe who comes in and cleans our house..she took 6 hours to clean the lounge carpet. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since she's Slovak, I hope you didn't pay her with a Czech. That might bounce.

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Well since you all seem like a salty lot on this forum, this probably won't offend anyone.

"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

dvg

Boom Boom!

Vic :sarcastic_hand:

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yuk :sick: you wouldnt catch me telling a joke like that :laugh1::sarcastic_hand::whistling:

"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

dvg

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Since she's Slovak, I hope you didn't pay her with a Czech. That might bounce.

:sarcastic_hand::whistling::laugh1:

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ALL I’m saying is that if you are sleeping in your OWN bed, you most certainly would have found that silver gravy ladle by now!"

Sincerely yours,

Rabbi

:sarcastic_hand:

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LOL!!! It made my day reading this thread. So, in the spirit of 'giving something back', heres my contribution-

Q. Why was the washing machine laughing?

A. It was taking the p!ss out of the knickers!

Paul.

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Two cannibals were eating a clown.

One cannibal pulled a face and said to the other:

"Does this taste funny to you?"

What a cracker, eh guys? ... Guys...?

Silence... whistling wind... Tumbleweed rolling past... sound of lead balloon hitting the turf... :rolleyes::sick:

:wink:

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A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The Bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.

He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.... in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys curdles... at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend. She smiles widely at him and says......

"So, how did you like it? It's called 'Blow Job's Revenge.'"

dvg

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