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Let's hear a good joke...


dchasselblad74

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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

A: One is a cold-blooded, slippery, slimy, bottom dweller, feeding from the low-life detritus existence, the other is a fish.

Ha ha ha ha......

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It was only a matter of time until Vic2 found this thread...:sarcastic_blum:

Now now...be nice....

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Q. What's the difference between an Essex boy and an Essex girl?

A. The Essex girl has the higher sperm count.

Q. What's the difference between Tom Cruise and a blender?

A. The blender sits on the kitchen worktop without help.

V2

Daaaaaannnnger! Essex girls r that easy huh?......ha h a...lol

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It seems that a lot of my friends are sending me email jokes about gettin' older these days, hmm, ...

A middle aged couple was having dinner together, and the wives went into the kitchen afterward to make coffee and desert. The two middle aged guys were talking among them selves and one mentions that he and his wife checked out the new restaurant in town a few nights ago, and recommends it highly. His friend asks him what the name of this place, and he scratched his head, and after a few seconds said "You know, after all these years, my memory is finally beginning to fail me, and I have a though time remembering some things, but I have ways of dealing with it, and asks his friend what the name of that small flower, you know the one that's usually red and has thorns, the one you give to someone you love?" His friend responds "You mean a rose?" "Oh yeah!" he says, and walks over to the kitchen and calls out "Hey Rose, what's the name of that new place we went to a few nights ago?"

Edited by rsivertsen
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Daaaaaannnnger! Essex girls r that easy huh?......ha h a...lol

Let's just say that some "Essex birds" have a reputation over here... and so do the men.

E.g. Basildon in a large town in the English county (state?) of Essex.

The best euphemism I've heard for vomiting in the street after a skinful of fizzy lager is "the Basildon mating call".

Get the picture...? :wink:

There is a whole genre of jokes devoted to the good folk of the county.

Example 2:

Q. Why does an Essex bird wear knickers?

A. To keep her ankles warm.

Example 3:

An Essex girl's car broke down on the motorway, and she called in the AA breakdown service (AAA in your part of the world?) The mechanic - also from Essex - took a look under the hood and swore: It had never been cleaned - there was oil, grease, dirt and even a bird's nest on the battery. Rolling his eyes, he cleaned off everything with a brush. The engine then started first time. The Essex girl looked suitably impressed, and asked "How did you do that, then?" He shrugged modestly and said "It was nothing, love, Just sh** on the car battery". The Essex girl looked puzzled, then asked:

"How often do I have to do that, then?"

Vic :happy:

P.S.

I should weasel my way out of trouble by adding that I am promulgating an unfair stereotype, and Essex has a lot of nice, clever people too! :yu:

Edited by Vic2
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There is a pub in the Yorkshire dales called the Balck Duck and this pub, there is friendly Labrador dog called Rover. Everyone loved Rover and greeted him when entering the pub, but one day, sadly Rover died.

As a momento to Rover, the landlord decided to remove Rover's tail, make a plaque and hang his tail so when people see it, can remeber Rover and the joy he brought to the customers.

On the way upto heaven, Rover joins the queue and eventually gets tot the front to be greeted by St. Peter.

StP " I see your neame on the list, but I am sorry, I can't let you in.

Rover: "Why not? I have been a good dog, I've chased postment, fetched the papers and barked at would be intruders. I can't spend eternity outside heaven"

StP; " I can't let you in, because you are not a complete dog. Your tail is missing.

Rover: "What can I do? I must get into heaven."

StP "Ok, look, I will give you a chance. Here is a 24 hour pass to go back to Earth. If you can get your tail, I will let you in"

Back at the pub in the middle of the night, there is a knocl on the door which wakes the land lord up. Worried it is intruders, he grabs a base ball bat and goes down the stairs, opens the door and sees the ghost of rover.

"Rover!"

"Master!"

"What are you doing here, why are you not in heaven?"

Rover tells the land lord the whole story and how he needs his tail back

"Look rover, I would love to help you, but I can't retail spirits after hours!"

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Now where did i hear that one before?? :sarcastic_hand:

How are you doing Mike?..hope all is well!

Marcel placed a nice blackmailish picture on facebook tonight..something to do with you and a pub thinngie :whistling::biggrin:

How about saying this out loud 3 times without injuring your mouth! :

Three Swedish switched witches watch three Swiss Swatch watch switches.

Which Swedish switched witch watches which Swiss Swatch watch switch ? :shock::shock:

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There is a pub in the Yorkshire dales ... "Look rover, I would love to help you, but I can't retail spirits after hours!"

Groan... :whistling:

As a mod, you should sling yourself off the forum for that pun-tastic posting, Mike... :sarcastic_hand:

Losing-the-Will-to-Live of Letchworth :biggrin:

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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

A: One is a cold-blooded, slippery, slimy, bottom dweller, feeding from the low-life detritus existence, the other is a fish.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

A: A rooster clucks defiance, …

You've reminded me of a classic lawyer joke:

Q. Why don't venomous snakes bite lawyers?

A1. Professional courtesy.

A2. Fear of poisoning.

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Glad I'm not an essex girl!! Brightened my day up catching up on these jokes though :) Here's a few from my collection.....

Two mates were chatting and one says to the other: "What would you do if the end of the world was in 5 minutes time?" His mate replied: "I would have sex with anything that moved. What would you do?" "Stand still." he replied.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bloke standing at the bar, girl walks over to order a drink.

'Hey babe, I'd give you 'one'' he says to her

To which the girl replies, 'Urrggh I wouldnt sleep with you if you were the last man on earth' !!

To which he replies, 'Dont effing flatter yourself love, I was giving you marks out of ten'.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A mum and young daughter were walking through the park when they spotted a couple making love, the little girl asked her mum what they are doing.....baking a cake says mum the girl seems satisfied

Next morning the girl wanders into the kitchen and asks mum where you and dad baking a cake last night, mum confused says yes why.......little girl says oh cos I licked the icing off the bed!!!!

Sorry, not my actual jokes but thought I'd add them - can you tell I work with a lot of men, lol!

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Heather......lol....really , really funny jokes....the last one kinda made my stomach not too steady...it was funny though thanks for sharing....

DexFC

Edited by dchasselblad74
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Since Halloween is coming up, here goes;

Why do witches don't wear underwear..............................Ans: To get a better grip of the broom....

DexFC

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The Shy Guy:

One day some guy sitting at a table by himself notices a very attractive young lady alone at the bar turning and smiling at him several times. Being a shy guy that he was, it took all his nerve to walk up to her and discretely ask her if she would join him at his table for conversation. She suddenly shouts out as loud as she could: "NO, I WON’T HAVE SEX WITH YOU!!!" The shy guy was horrified as everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at him as he quietly went back to his table by himself. After a few minutes, this same lady went over to him, and quietly apologized saying that she was doing her thesis on how people react when suddenly thrown into an embarrassing situation and offered to buy him a drink and join him in conversation. He then stood up and yells out as loud as he could: "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!! HOLY COW!" and walked out.

Edited by rsivertsen
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Since Halloween is coming up, here goes;

Why do witches don't wear underwear..............................Ans: To get a better grip of the broom....

DexFC

Yippee! We're going lowbrow... Excellent :tease:

Deep in the Enchanted Wood, where Bambi, Thumper and Walt Disney like to play, there is a convent. One golden, sunlit afternoon, The Mother Superior was surprised to hear a loud banging at the big oaken doors of the convent. She opened the heavy door to find the Seven Dwarves, without Snow White. "Goodness, what an unexpected pleasure, gentlemen! What can I do for you this fine afternoon?"

There is a kerfuffle amongst the dwarves, then Dopey is pushed towards the Mother Superior by the other dwarves, all hissing: "Go on, Dopey, ask her!"

Dopey looked nervous, and the kindly Mother Superior said "It's all right, Dopey. What d'you want to ask me?" Dopey gulps and asks "Mother Superior, can I ask you an unusual question?" She replies "Why of course, Dopey, anything within reason". Dopey then says in a rush: "Do you have any midget nuns in your convent?" Slightly taken aback, the Mother Superior answers "Well... no, Dopey, ther have never been any midget nuns at this convent".

The other dwarves then give Dopey another, harder shove, and he trembles, and asks again: "Mother Superior, can I ask you another question?" She replies patiently "Of course, Dopey, fire away". Glancing nervously over his shoulder, Dopey asks if there are any midget nuns in England. The Mother Superior answered "Well, I know the Franciscan, Dominican and Augustinian Orders, and I know of no midget nuns in any of them".

This time, the dwarves give poor Dopey such a hard push that he ends up on his knees before the Mother Superior: "Go ON, Dopey, ask her, ASK HER!!" Dopey is now sweating profusely, and his hands can't stop shaking. Eventually, he mumbles: "Mother Superior, can I ask you a last question, and can you think VERY HARD before you answer?" She replies "Certainly, Dopey; I can see this is very important for you". Dopey gulps, and asks "Mother Superior, do you know of any midget nuns ANYWHERE in the WHOLE WORLD?" The nun pauses to think for several long seconds. Then she replies "I know sisters from Montevideo to Sydney, and Oslo to Cape Town, but I've never heard of a midget nun anywhere, Dopey, I'm very sorry".

The other six dwarves then fell over themselves, roaring with laughter, while Dopey turned bright red.

Eventually, the other dwarves steady themselves, stand up and start to chant together:

"Dopey sh*gged a penguin, Dopey sh*gged a PENGUIN..."

Vic

P.S.

Dam', my fingers are tired! :biggrin:

Edited by Vic2
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Yippee! We're going lowbrow... Excellent :tease:

"Dopey sh*gged a penguin, Dopey sh*gged a PENGUIN..."

Vic

P.S.

Dam', my fingers are tired! :biggrin:

Ha ha ha ha....Poor penguin! Well worth the typing effort Vic.

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He then stood up and yells out as loud as he could: "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!! HOLY COW!" and walked out.

Ha ha ha ha ha... .....Gotcha B!|(#!.........Ha ha LoL........

:tease::biggrin:

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Heard at the pub quiz last night:

Q. A true story: An elderly lady was required to remove a notice from her gate by the police, on the grounds it would incite hatred. The sign read: "My dog is fed on .....".

Fill in the blank.

A. Jehovah's Witnesses.

:tease:

Edited by Vic2
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Male/Female Definitions

1. THINGY. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE. Female.... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male.... A device for scanning through all 999 channels every 5 minutes.

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Three men bragging about their sexual prowess in the pub.

The first guy says "After making love, I gently twiddle my wife's nipples, and she floats with pleasure, about 6 inches off the bed".

The second replies "Not bad, but not good either. After making love to my wife, I gently twiddle her bushy bits, and she floats with pleasure, about 3 feet off the bed".

The third guy scoffs: "You losers are amateurs. After making love to my wife, I wipe my member on the curtains, and she HITS THE ROOF!!"

No worries Mods, I'll get my coat... :biggrin:

Edited by Vic2
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